dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
