I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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