I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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