There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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