organizing the empties. That sober.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
