I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
