Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
