I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i think my cat just said my name.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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