vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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