11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
