The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
