i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
