I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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