i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
