Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
