You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
