he was CRYING into my vagina
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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