i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
