News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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