Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
