He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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