Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
