after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
