omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
