When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
