I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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