so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
