I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
