I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
