She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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