ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
