sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
