I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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