I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
