You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
