She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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