"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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