I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
