I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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