I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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