I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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