Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
