I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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