i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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