I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
