Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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