i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
