I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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