Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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