I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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