i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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