Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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