I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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