I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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