On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
