i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.