Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
