we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
