if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
